Category: Bullying Yourself

NaPoWriMo Day 14

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, Demon's In My Mind, Health, Mental Health, Mental Health is Health, My Chaotic Mind, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, Sorry for the ChaosLeave a comment

I have suffered all my life from anxiety, stress and anger issues. Over time, I’ve learned to manage them or at least to sort of cope with them. With one thing and another, not so much lately. Today’s post is about those issues and what it’s like living with them from my side.

My Curse in Verse

I would not say I’ve bottomed out,

Just going down quite fast,

Tried so hard staying positive,

That tank’s run dry at last.

No this is not a plea for you,

To help me make it through,

‘Cause honestly there’s bugger all,

That anyone can do.

It’s just how my brain handles things,

Or doesn’t handle life,

It takes the ordinary and,

Creates chaos and strife.

Then my anxiety will spike,

My stress climbs off the chart,

And then the anger, then the guilt,

Then darkness wraps my heart.

Within my head I understand,

All the good things you’d say,

But the blackness in my heart says,

They’re not true anyway.

And there’s the rub, the crux of it,

The fact is it’s all me.

No matter what you say or do,

Sometimes it’s how I’ll be.

I cannot stand this side of me,

And that just makes it worse,

Self-loathing just like gas on flames,

To turbo-charge this curse.

But don’t feel bad that’s not the point,

Of writing out each line,

Just understand ‘til my mask cracks,

I’ll seem completely fine.

Then suddenly out of the blue,

The anger just appears,

All my defenses overwhelmed,

By my unspoken fears.

And then some thing, some tiny straw,

Will break that camel’s back,

My demons locked within set free,

My mind to now attack.

If you see rage and sorrow where,

A smile ought to be,

I promise it would make no sense,

To anyone but me.

Just know it’s me, it’s always me,

Not anything you do,

Wish when my demons torment me,

They didn’t torment you.

Ah, now they’ve wandered off again,

Must be their poker night,

I’ll take the peace and quiet and,

Try to get my head right.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 15

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hump Day! Today is the midpoint of the month!

Today, I was at my trailer for the first time this year. I was with Lynn and Ducky and everything was going well. Out of the blue, I had a terrible anxiety attack. I don’t want to let it run my life again, so I’m trying to work through them now. This is part of that process.

What Doesn’t Matter, Shouldn’t Matter

On this day down through all the years,

Ten billion things were done.

And we’re impressed when history,

Remembers even one.

The lesson here is plain to see,

Don’t take it all to heart.

However large each problem seems,

It’s just one tiny part.

The odds are you won’t even care,

A few years down the line.

If you remember them at all,

By then all will be fine.

So think of this next time you stress,

For things you can’t control.

You only make your problems worse,

And dig a deeper hole.

You know that thing a person said,

That made you feel small.

Odds are the next day they forgot,

They spoke to you at all.

Why give them all this power then,

To so mess up your life.

Like telling someone mugging you,

How best to hold their knife.

By holding on to hurtful things,

Miss out on all the rest.

So focused on the negative,

We cannot see the best.

A moment that should be enjoyed,

Is lost within the noise.

Of darkness and anxiety,

They rob us of our joys.

If each of us just work on this,

Perhaps we’ll find a way.

Keep past and future in their place,

And be here now today.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 11

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, NaPoWriMo, PersonalLeave a comment

Now and then, I try this theme, and that theme and something else and nothing will come together. Then, the doubt creeps in and I start to question whether or not I’m good enough at this. Is it even worth doing? Does anyone care? Do I care? So today I decided: If you can’t beat your inner demons… put the bastards to work.

Work Demon, Work!

My fingers fumble blindly ‘cross,

The keyboard on their quest.

To link some words, to build a verse,

From chaos, meaning wrest.

There is no hope, that’s long forgot,

Yet doggedly pursue.

With single-minded stubborness,

This simple rhyme I’m due.

I do not write to seek renown,

Ne’er one to grasp at fame.

I’ve no illusion anyone,

Will long recall my name.

The only one I seek to prove,

My skill to is just me.

Yet even I, a skeptic still,

For no skill do I see.

Yet still I write and strive to find,

Some worth within my dross,

A deeper meaning to convey,

To somehow get across.

So bear with me, this phase shall pass,

As night must pass to day.

This self-doubt and mistrust will fade,

And I once more will play.

With pleasant scenes and lighter words,

With confidence and verve.

Until when next, my fear steps up,

And pitches me a curve.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 9

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, The Power of WordsLeave a comment

I suffer from self esteem issues and wildly irrational bursts of anger when something I’m working on frustrates me. I am aware of these things and others, and I’m working on them. They gave me the idea for today’s offering.

My Demons

The demons in my head get loose,

Such havoc then they wreak.

In moments when I struggle most,

They strike when I am weak.

They know each vulnerability,

Where they can cause most pain.

Time after time they come for me,

Drag me back down again.

Back where I wallow in the muck,

Trapped in my inner dark.

While voices chorus every fault,

Each word leaves its own mark.

I swear some day I’ll free myself,

From all that’s in my head.

Yet deep inside the demons vow,

They’ll stay until I’m dead.

And even then there’s no respite,

In death they still will hound.

They’ll jape and mock upon my grave,

While I am in the ground.

I know that what they say’s not true,

At least not all of it.

For all folks know that demons lie,

But some tell truth a bit.

How do I tell what is the truth,

And what but foetid lie?

As all my darkest thoughts parade,

Before my inner eye.

I must be strong and learn to pay,

My demons no more mind.

As I move forward with my life,

I must leave them behind.

This is not easy as it sounds,

For they all live in me.

The key is not to let them loose,

Or hell to pay there’ll be.

And even as I write these words,

They say I waste my time.

There is no deeper message here,

Just cheap and easy rhyme.

Yet still I write, still try to trap,

My demons on the page.

If I succeed, perhaps I’ll save,

Myself from demon’s rage.

So now I draw a slow, deep breath,

Release it just as slow.

Repeat, repeat, repeat until,

Some inner peace I know.

And other times, my music is,

The way to drown them out.

For certain magic melodies,

Can grant me peace no doubt.

So here I am, and just for now,

My demons are at rest.

But soon enough I’ll go to bed,

Their new nightmares to test.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 1

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, Enlightenment, NaPoWriMo, Poetry, Self Awareness, The Power of WordsLeave a comment

It seems like it was only eleven short months ago that I wrapped up my last verse of the year. Now here we are again. Softly, gently, we find ourselves wrapped in the sweet warmth of the dream, knowing all the time… the nightmare of writer’s block lurks somewhere up ahead. But that is a problem for another day. Without further delay my season opener.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Continue reading “NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 1” →

NaPoWriMo 2021 Day 29…ish

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, Enlightenment, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Personal Responsibility, Poetry, Self Awareness, The Power of Words, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So yesterday ended as a bit of a disaster. I got it sorted out in the end, but by then it was too late to write this because I had to work today. Long story short, here’s yesterday’s poem. It’s all about not being nastier to yourself than you are to others.

Be As Kind To You

Sometimes in life I make mistakes,

That anyone may make.

I drop something, forget something,

A plate or glass I break.

If someone else did just the same,

I’d understand, forgive.

But when it’s me, I start to rage,

Surprised I let me live.

I use such names, say hurtful things,

I’d never say to you.

I’ve done this for so many years,

Inside believe they’re true.

But here’s the thing, I know they’re not,

Yet in that angry heat.

I grab those nasty, jagged chains,

With them, my soul, I beat.

I know so many do the same,

It’s no more true I swear.

We all have chains to beat ourselves,

They’re always waiting there.

So here’s a tip, I try to live,

Though often yet I fail.

Don’t beat yourself, there’s others who,

Would gladly wield that flail.

We all are human and must learn,

To value who we are.

Accept our faults not pick at them,

Pick at them ’til they scar.

Now please be kinder to yourself,

Kind as you’d be to me.

Speak to yourself as to your love,

Try for yourself and see.

I’ve listened to the voices in,

My head and now I know.

I’d not speak thus to those I love.

Why do I hate me so?

Speak gentler words that build you up,

Alone within your mind.

Don’t punish but forgive yourself,

To your own self be kind.

Cheers, Winston