Category: Humor

NaPoWriMo Day:25 The End Is Near

On By WinstonIn Humor, NaPoWriMo, PersonalLeave a comment

So day 25 of NaPoWriMo and there’s not a crumb of inspiration in the old mental cupboard. Still, I am nearly there. Only six to go including today.

I’ve got a rhyme, let’s see where it goes.

Enjoy!

The Home Stretch

I write and write, and write some more
More than I thought I could.
Sure most of it is just okay
But one or two are good.

“Write thirty days of poetry.”
I knew it would be tough.
I didn’t know when I began
That it would be this rough.

I share my thoughts and share my dreams
Through my poems each day.
I struggle now for every word
For something new to say.

My muse is on a coffee break
Perhaps a drinking binge.
But I press on though I can feel
My mind start to unhinge.

Now words and rhymes go tumbling through
The space between my ears.
I think out loud, I mumble them
And hope that no one hears.

But I go on, and on and on
My lowly verse to share.
I am so close I only hope
I’ll find more words somewhere.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo Day: 15 Writer’s Block

On By WinstonIn Humor, NaPoWriMo, Personal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Today marks the halfway point in the NaPoWriMo challenge. So naturally, I had absolutely no clue what to write. As I was stressing about it, I began devising rhymes about my problem. Here is the result.

Enjoy!

Writer’s Block

I sit here and I ponder what
To write I have no clue.
At fifteen yarns the wells gone dry
I’m not sure what I’ll do.

I know that I should write something
I really have to try.
Today would be the halfway point
To miss might make me cry.

Done the werewolf done the vampire
Done violent games as well.
Done the drones and done my dog
Done God, oh bloody hell.

I guess I must accept the truth
I’ve nothing left to write.
With nothing more to offer you.
I fade into the night.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo Day: 11 The Gamer

On By WinstonIn Humor, NaPoWriMo, Pop Culture, Society, Uncategorized, Video GamesLeave a comment

As a gamer, it bugs the crap outta me when some people announce that violent games and movies are more to blame than “gun culture” for mass shootings. I live in Canada. That means I’m exposed to all the same violent games and media as my southern neigbours. On the other hand, we experience a tiny fraction of the gun violence. Are we just inherently nicer? I don’t think so. We’re just less inured to the idea that shooting someone is a valid form of conflict resolution.

Today’s NaPoWriMo entry covers my feelings on the subject succinctly… and with a pinch of humour.

Enjoy!

The Gamer

I’ve blown something up again
I’ve crashed another car.
I’ve pulled out both my forty – fives
Shot up a crowded bar.

So now you think I am quite bad
Just rotten to the core.
But wait a sec, don’t judge me yet
There’s more oh so much more.

I’ve stolen cars and driven drunk
Hit people in the street.
The guns and bombs are very fun
But knifing is a treat.

You’re edgy now you back away
But you don’t understand.
All that stuff and more lives in,
Imagination land.

There’s dragons here and UFOs
And Nazis by the score.
There’s gangsters, grifters, cowboys too
And skeletons and more.

I drive a car I’ll never own
And save a galaxy.
I’m someone else with firmer abs
Than mine will ever be.

So blame my games for all your crime
If that’s what helps you sleep.
Just bear in mind that you are wrong
You foolish, foolish sheep.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo Day:6 The Mallshroom

On By WinstonIn Humor, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Uncategorized1 Comment

So I figured I’d lighten the mood a bit. Today’s NaPoWriMo entry is all about me… and the millions of others who work in malls or other places with no natural light. This one’s for all of us.

Enjoy!

The Mallshroom

I run a shop within a mall
From morn til day is done.
I have no window and no view
I rarely see the sun.

There is a skylight in my mall
The sun comes streaming in.
I creep in awe out from my shop
To feel it on my skin.

It feels so hot and strange somehow
I don’t think I’m a fan.
I’ll just go back and work on my
Florescent, anti-tan.

Cheers, Winston

Science On The Internet

On By WinstonIn Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Science, UncategorizedLeave a comment

If you’ve ever gone online, you’ve most likely encountered what I like to think of as Internet Science. I’m not talking about real science that actually makes the internet possible. I’m talking about the weird and special things you can find masquerading as science online.

Among the most conspicuous, are the ads featuring “One weird old secret for a flat tummy” or “Plastic surgeons hate her… 58 year old woman looks 28… here’s her secret”… and of course the millions of ads promising to make any guys penis the envy of large horses everywhere.

This was all triggered by a friend of mine who may have had pink eye. They were trying to figure out how they contracted it and said… “You can only get it by kissing someone who has it or by someone farting on your pillow.” When I finally stopped laughing and caught my breath, I told them that’s not how you catch pink-eye. “But I saw it on this site online!” After more laughing I directed them to an actual reputable wibsite which listed how you really get pink eye. (Bacterial infection, not pillow farts)

Then I experienced Internet Science for myself. Now my eyes are open, my life is changed and I will share this simple secret with everyone. Or at least the people who read this blog.

I have diabetes, so I have to regularly monitor my blood sugar. The lower the better. Last month my sugar level was around 21 (healthy is 4-7) so I’ve been working to get it under control. Yesterday, I worked a 14hr day with only breakfast. Going that long without eating usually drives my sugars crazy, but before my really late supper, they were only at 12.4. Yay for progress. To celebrate this success, I ate three mince tarts for supper knowing full well my sugars would be high this moring.

When I checked them before breakfast I got a 12.2. This is where the cool internet science kicks in. Because I had mince tarts before bed and my sugar was 0.2 lower this morning, it’s obvious that mince tarts lower blood sugar! Forget actual medicine prescribed by doctors. That’s all just a scam by the big drug companies to get money from you. Mince tarts cost only a fraction of what you’re paying every month for pills and needles.

As I just demonstrated, this is a PROVEN technique to fight high blood sugars. You can thank me later. (If you’re still around) Not only will this save you money, but you also get to eat yummy, yummy mince tarts. (You can thank me for that too.)

Now you understand how this works, you too can share the wonder of Science on the Internet.

Cheers, Winston

Disclaimer: This is not real science. If you have diabetes PLEASE continue taking any prescribed medication and do not eat yummy, yummy mince tarts to lower your sugars. This article is intended as satire only. Contrary to the wisdom of the internet, this is NOT science.

W

A Little Glimpse Of The Future

On By WinstonIn Education, Humor, Personal Responsibility, Society, Uncategorized, Values1 Comment

This morning as I was browsing headlines from United Press International, I came across a story about 125 University students suspected of cheating on a final exam. The students are accused of either working together to come up with the answers or copying off one and other. One might reasonably suspect that it should be tricky to get it past the people monitoring the test and normally you’d be right. Not so much in this case.

You see, this was a Take Home final exam. That’s right folks a final exam you can do at home. I may have to go back to school because finals didn’t include that option back in the day. I could get into that. Have a couple of beers to help me relax so I’m not all stressed about the exam. Maybe call up the a friend or two if I get stuck…… which is apparently exactly what about 125 of them decided to do.

Now if you’re wondering what sort of “B” grade, low-rent school might offer “We don’t really give a crap.” home final exams, turns out it’s pretty common. What they call an “exam” is actually an end of term essay paper. They are done at home to allow time for research, rewrites and consults with fellow students. This only becomes a problem when large numbers of students turn in essentially the same paper, sighting the same sources and presumably featuring the same spelling and grammatical errors.

But wait the humor only gets richer as we go. The house of higher learning involved in this fiasco….. Harvard. Yep. That Harvard. Ivy league creator of future Captains of Industry and Masters of the Ship of State. They are imbuing their students with such a “victory at any cost” mentality that a rather large clump of them felt that blatant cheating was an acceptable way to compete and get ahead. Then we are all surprised when they graduate obsessed only with personal advancement devoid of any conception of right, wrong or the greater good.

As a final little pop of comedy gold can anyone guess which course The Young and The Stupid were enrolled in? Obviously, it could only have been an introductory course on……. Government! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, those who fancy themselves our future leaders have no problem cheating their asses off to avoid anything like actual work. One can only wonder to what depths they would stoop to secure that plum congressional seat or governorship.

How’s that for an unsettling little peek at the future?

Cheers, Winston

Welcome To the Mittbot-Gerbil-Zombie Apocalypse!

On By WinstonIn Global Issues, Humor, Media, Politics, Society, U.S. Election 2012, Uncategorized1 Comment

Earlier today I was reading an article about Ann Romney’s speech at the Republican National Convention. This was the latest of the ongoing efforts to “humanize”, her husband, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. This raises a couple important questions for me.

The first question that springs to mind is, “Why should I believe anything she said?” Mrs Romney admitted that she was speaking from a prepared text. So she wasn’t giving any deeply personal insights into an incredibly sensitive and deeply misunderstood Mitt. She was just the most convincing voice-over they could find for their product endorsement. It’s not about authenticity or sincerity, it’s just another cynical marketing ploy. It’s like using Justin Bieber to sell acne treatments or having Brooke Shields front for La-Z-Boy. Teens who are losing their minds about acne (or Justin Bieber [or just losing their minds]), are more likely to identify with the Biebs, while Ms Shields and her Calvin Klein jeans are going to resonate better with an older demographic more interested in home decor than zit zapping.

The larger question here is, “Why does Mitt need to be ‘humanized’ in the first place?” If he’s not human, just what is he? Is he a gerbil or a wildebeest? Perhaps he’s a llama and his handlers go about in constant fear of catching a face full of llama loogie. Not to worry, I’ve got a theory. He’s a gerbil. He’s a gerbil piloting a (mostly) human-looking robot. Think anime but without the giant guns or swarms of scantily clad young girls. Then again he is running for the Republican party so there may be a giant gun in there somewhere but Ann isn’t commenting on that. (Come on, could you have resisted that one?)

Here’s the setup. Decades ago, a race of space faring gerbils arrived on the planet. Realizing we are hundreds of times their size they developed a plan to infiltrate us and destroy us from the inside. They want to take over the government (Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin were trial runs at getting someone on the inside.). Romney’s track record at Bain Capital is a preview of the Gerbil plan to destroy the morale of the United States by undermining its economy, creating mass unemployment (shipping jobs overseas), and working hard to widen the gap between the ultra-rich and the peasants they rule.

Because Hollywood assures us the U.S. is the only country able to withstand an alien invasion, once Mittbot has completely ruined and destabilized them, the invasion will begin in earnest. Swarms of Gerbil piloted Republican robots will pour out of their secret underground bases at the poles. To supplement these R-Bots, the Gerbils have developed a technology that allows them to burrow into dead people’s heads and pilot them like bots. Together the R-Bots (patent pending), and their zombie cohorts will complete their conquest of the free world.

While average Americans spend their lives in the grinding poverty of union-free, sweatshop labour camps, China and India will continue to reap the benefits of having been the first to welcome the Gerbil invaders.

It hasn’t happened yet but it could. If Mitt Romney wins, watch for the signs……. like the corridors of power being lined not with rich, soft carpets, but with wood shavings. Then you’ll see that I’m not crazy. Then you’ll see! Then it’ll be too late!

Welcome to the Mittbot-Gerbil-Zombie Apocalypse!

Muaaahahahaaa!

Why Newt Gingrich Should Get The Republican Nomination

On By WinstonIn Humor, Politics, Rants, Society, U.S. Election 2012Leave a comment

Photo by: Joe Burbank/Orlando SentinelPhoto by:  Joe Burbank/Orlando Sentinel

For those who don’t know, I don’t live in the U.S.  I live in Canada, which means I still have a large vested interest in the activities of our friend and neighbour to the south.  As such, I have been following with some interest the campaigns for the leadership of the Republican party.  So far, I’ve been a little less than impressed by their “circus of the week” approach to selecting a front runner.

In their rush to find a political outsider who supports family [read Christian (read very narrow interpretation of Christian)] values, they have produced a series of truly spectacular failures with Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michelle Bachman being just a few.  For me however, the most incredible candidate to date has to be Newt Gingrich.  This is a man who utterly typifies the very essence of modern democracy.

After serving for a number of years as the Speaker of the House, Mr. Gingrich then spent several more years selling himself and his political connections to the highest bidder.  All the while, he steadfastly refused to list himself as a lobbyist.  No-no!  He was just a consultant.  The beauty of this is not his non-lobbyist delusions.  The beauty lies in his ability to convince delegates and possibly himself that he is not a “Washington insider”.  That is hilarious!  But it’s not the best thing to come out of his campaign.  It gets better.

Mr. Gingrich also found time to work as a consultant for Freddie Mac.  You may have heard of them.  They, along with Fannie May, are the lending giants behind the sub-prime mortgage fiasco.  You remember that.  The record foreclosures, the collapse of the housing  bubble, and the bank bailouts that led to massive protests and the simultaneous destruction of faith in both business and government.  Yup.  Newt took a pile of consulting bucks from them.  This is still not the best part of his candidacy.  Nope.  The best part is his staunch defence of FAMILY VALUES.

That’s right.  Newt Gingrich values family so much that when Bill Clinton had an affair with Whitehouse intern Monica Lewinsky, Gingrich led the drive to have him impeached.  So it’s clear that he values family a lot.  The only problem, he isn’t sure which family he actually values.  You see Newt was cheating on his own wife whom he later divorced so that he could marry his paramour.  Okay.  That happens sometimes.  Right?  Maybe.  But then he cheated on that wife, divorced her and married paramour number two.  The second wife (first paramour) is now claiming that Newt “Super-Stud” Gingrich had asked her for an open marriage.  She declined, which she alleges is why he now married to paramour number two.

All of that would be “Yeah. Whatever.”  if he weren’t in danger of becoming the leader of a party which spends every possible moment screaming about Family Values and Christian Values.  Apparently, Newt never heard the bit about letting he who is without sin chuck the first brick.  The Republican  faithful seem to have missed the irony of having their holier than thou party led by someone who’s moral compass got smashed when his mistresses stepped on it.  Repeatedly.

Against the rest of the Republican circus, he polls well.  Against President Obama, the polls tell a significantly different story.  I’d like to see Obama get a second mandate.  Id like to see what he could do with another four years.

That’s the real reason why Newt Gingrich should get the Republican nomination.

Cheers, Winston

p.s.  I was just reading that Herman Cain (former candidate and pizza magnate) has thrown his endorsement to Newt Gingrich.  Mr. Cain dropped out of the running for the Republican nomination amid allegations of sexual harassment and marital infidelity.  His endorsement of Newt proves that birds of a feather really do flock together.

W

A Little Celebration

On By WinstonIn Humor, Loving Life, Personal2 Comments

Anyone who knows me can tell you I’m not the most mechanically inclined person. If my family would please stop laughing, we can continue.

My washing machine has been leaking for a while now. It’s been getting worse as time goes by. Now so much time has gone by that it’s starting to erode a river channel in the concrete floor of my laundry room. A small but thriving ecosystem has grown up around the drain in the floor. Despite the potential environment disaster, I decided it might be a good time to think about considering the possibility of looking at it.

Yeah, sometimes I too am amazed at how committed I get to these little projects.

So I tipped it back and looked to see where it was leaking. Then I found the model number (cleverly hidden on a sticker right on the front of the machine), and went to ask Google about it. According to an overwhelming percentage of answers, it is a pump. The same piece coincidentally that had water running out of it when I tipped the machine up to check.

More Googling gave me a manufacturers part number. Another search gave the phone number of the local appliance repair place where I had bought a part for my dryer a couple of months ago. A quick call confirmed that they had a pump in stock and available for immediate pick up. The manufacturer had just bumped the price up to eighty-five dollars, but they could let me have it for the old price of seventy.

Darn. Now I don’t have any excuse to delay this project. I’ll have to find something else to put off.

After picking up the new pump, I prepared an awesome stir-fry for supper for Lynn and I. Most yummy grilled, cubed chicken thighs. ;^D

After supper, I removed the old pump, put on the new one. Slightly bent a clip putting the body back on and bolted everything back together.

It is currently slaving away while I type this. The former wetlands are drying out and some very vexed wildlife is looking to relocate. Not bad for someone who’s mechanical skills usually involve looking up the repair guy’s number for Lynn to call.

So yeah, I think I’m entitled to a little celebration.

Cheers, Winston

How To Save On Next Year’s Camping Trip

On By WinstonIn Humor, Loving Life, PersonalLeave a comment

Since losing my job with Blockbuster, I’m always on the lookout for new ways to save money.  With the help of the fine people at Occupy Whatever, I’ve come up with a great new plan.

Normally, my family and I would drive very long distances to set up our campsite and then later tear it down and drive to the next one etc.  Not having a lot of money for gas would have put a definite damper on our plans.  Not anymore!

Now that I understand that it’s not actually illegal to camp in municipal parks, we barely have to drive at all.  In fact, there’s a really nice park right across the street.  It’s within easy walking distance of Harvey’s and Starbucks.  That’s important because I don’t think I’ll be allowed a campfire, so access to food and coffee is important.  Not to mention the sanitation side of things.

If Lynn wants something a bit more exotic, the National Capital Region is lousy with parks and greenspaces.  I’m certain we can agree on one that suits our tastes and needs.  There’s a really nice one at Major’s Hill.  It is next to a lovely set of rapids that should drown out the traffic noises nicely.  Should make a nice first stop.

I had always thought that we weren’t allowed to camp on just any bit of public grass we like.  Boy was I wrong.  Apparently all we needed to do was paint up a bunch of “We are the 99%” signs to carry around and set up a few at the campsite.  Just like that we’re bulletproof.  Some people might feel that I’m not genuinely supporting the messages of my more dedicated brethren and sisteren.  That may be true, but no one says I have to.  I am almost certain that we sku onto some list somewhere as having something in common with 99% of some group.  Such as the 99% of people who would like to go camping if only it was more affordable.

On the other hand, if I do come up with gainful employment before then, it also opens up a whole range of travel options.  No more calling at the last minute trying to get a spot at a crowded and overpriced campground.  As long as we have our protest signs, every public lawn is our campground.  Viva la protesta!

I’d like to thank the nice folks at Occupy Anywhere But A Polling Booth.  Without their leadership, I’m not sure I would have hit on this bit of genius on my own.  Also, a nice shout out to the various municipal authorities who helped them to establish this precedent.  We’ll be sure to think of you during our public tour next year.

Cheers, Winston