Life is like driving. Looking back while moving forwards can have unpleasant consequence.
Cheers, Winston
Category: Humor
Didn’t Vote? Shut Up!
So our provincial election is over. Dalton McGuinty and the Liberal Party returned for a third round but with a minority this time. That just gives them a handy excuse for anything they promised but don’t deliver on. All of that is irrelevant because so few people showed up to vote. We could have elected a totally imaginary party with an untouchable majority just off the no-shows. The rest of this post speaks directly to those eligible voters who didn’t bother.
How Stupid Are You?
I get that you think the system is broken. The fact is, if you didn’t vote, you’re the one who broke it. That’s right kids. If you didn’t vote, YOU are what’s wrong with the system. Sadly for you, your whiny sense of disenfranchisement is now the mainstream. You aren’t all special and superior because you alone see what’s wrong anymore. Good news though, it’s not just the voices in your head. Over half the people in Ontario are now officially as stupid and lazy as you. Okay. Maybe you aren’t lazy and stupid. I bet you’d prefer to think of yourselves as disenfranchised.
Well, suck it up buttercup, you aren’t. The only person trying to disenfranchise you is you. It’s not the government, or the corporations, or aliens, or the Illuminati/Templars/Bildenbergers, it is YOU! It’s the truth. You are your own worst enemy. If there was a “New World Order”, and if I worked for it, I’d send out Thank You cards to everyone who didn’t vote. You people are better than gold to an evil megalomaniacal group.
Did you ever hear of “Arab Spring”? Those people gave their lives to bring down corrupt, repressive governments and dictators. That vote you just threw away. Someone in Somalia would have died to have it. In the Middle East, thousands died so millions could have the freedom to choose their government. Your refusal to vote spits on the grave of every person who died so others could have that opportunity. An opportunity to get involved in remaking their world the way they want it to be.
The people of Syria, Egypt, Libya etc. didn’t protest in lieu of voting. They protested so that they could vote. They died so that next election, or the one after, other people could cast a ballot with more than one name on it. They protested and died so that their children will have the freedom to select a government that reflects them.
So go ahead and whine, gripe, complain or whatever. It doesn’t matter, because you don’t matter. If you refuse to use your voice when it might make a difference, then the rest of the time, you’re just white-noise. Annoying, but inconsequential.
Cheers, Winston
Observations In A Traffic Jam
Lynn and I drove back into town from our trailer to vote. Unfortunately, we came in at rush hour. Or in this case two hours of not rushing at all.
The upside, such as it is, is all the time it gives to people watch. People in dense, slow moving traffic tend to do some strange things. As with the following.
Item One: Lynn noticed people smiling at us and making “kissy faces”. It took a few minutes to realize these were actually intended for our dog Chester. He was cruising along with his head out the window. He’s so cute people just automatically smile at him. We just caught the leftovers as they pulled past us.
Item Two: A man opens the door of his SUV, leans out and spits. He closes the door and drives on. When traffic brings us alongside, he takes his toothbrush out of his mouth and talks to Chester. Every time we end up next to him he’s still brushing his teeth. For the next several minutes. That man LOVES his oral hygiene.
Item Three: A man driving along texting. Phone in one hand, typing with the other. Steering with his knee? His toes? I don’t know for sure, but apparently he didn’t get the meno about the new law making it an official no-no.
And we had time to chat about what we plan to do in our house after we close up the trailer for the season. Just crept along enjoying each others company
For once, twice the drive time actually gave twice the enjoyment.
Cheers, Winston
A Little Smile In My Day
I love National Geographic. They cover a huge range of topics and now and then, they just make me smile.
Today was a good example of that. I recently liked Nat Geo on Facebook, and now get status updates from them. So far, so cool. An update from Tuesday ran as follows:
“Hailing from China’s ‘heyday of chariot warfare’, five well-preserved chariots with accompanying horses, emerged from an urban tomb.”
Apparently their “heyday of chariot warfare” was pretty recent. Chariots might last for a while, but horses, not so much. At least not in any shape to emerge from a tomb.
Personally, when I read this I had a visual of “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”. That’s probably just me though.
One way or the other, it made me smile. Thank you National Geographic!
Cheers, Winston
Finally Playing Portal 2
After months of having everyone tell me how incredible Portal 2 is, I’ve finally started playing it. So far, I’ve got to say, it looks like they’re right. More to the point, it sounds like they’re right.
The game play is exactly what I expected. The controls are smooth, precise and easy. The puzzles are clever, challenging and profanity inducing. The visuals are excellent as is the physics implementation. All of that is what it’s supposed to be.
The story and the humor are the payoffs for me. The puzzles are clever, but the A.I. is more clever. The person who created that character and wrote it’s dialog should win an award or two. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much during a game. This thing is wildly funny.
If you enjoy puzzles, well constructed storyline and some twisted humor, this is a must play.
Cheers, Winston
Tech Etiquette or Keep It In Your Pants When You’re Talking To Me!
Once again the fine people at Maclean”s have answered the perennial question, “What shall I write about today?” Thank you very much nice people. As you can see from the title, this post is all about tech and how we use it. Specifically, it’s about portable technology and how we use it to abuse those around us. Because so many people seem not to have figured this out, it seemed worth sharing this quick set of guidelines.
Here at the LakeArt Institute For The Advancement Of Simple Simplicity (Proud Developers Of The V.A.P.I.D. Goal Setting System) we have a mission. Our motto is “Making Simple Things Simpler For The Simply Simple-Minded”. Our products are geared to those for whom the Herculean task of understanding even the simplest thing is just too much effort. If you or someone you know falls into this group, DON’T PANIC! We’re here to help.
** If you are on call twenty-four/seven in some sort of emergency or life-saving capacity, you are automatically exempt from the following guidelines. For the rest of you, stop texting for a minute and pay attention.**
1. If you are in the presence of actual human beings with whom you are interacting, they take precedence. Before any of you scream “Heresy!”, let me clarify. I know you paid a lot for your techno-thing and you want to get your money’s worth. I get that. You just need to keep in mind that everyone else paid just as much for theirs so they don’t care at all about yours. When in the presence of actual people, turn it off/down. If you absolutely must use it in public, excuse yourself, move away and then phone/text/send pictures of your naughty bits. When you have finished, put it away and rejoin the real world.
2. Treat your techno-thingy like your private thingy. Dont’t whip it out and wave it around in public. While you may think your techno-thingy/thingy is the most impressive one in existence, others probably will not share this view. Even those who are awestruck by the size of your display will likely pretend otherwise (although they may discreetly ask for your number later). Use of your techno-thingy during dinner/movies/social gatherings should be treated like urination. It should only be done when absolutely necessary. It should be done as far away from others as possible. And remember that no one wants to hear about it when you return.
3. Just because you can share doesn’t mean you should. You know what I’m talking about. Those late-night, drunken posts about how desperately you need to get laid. Or anyone who has ever posted a Lolcat. Or anything else that you are the only person on God’s Earth who might give a crap about. Oh, and that also includes anyone who sends pics of their naughty bits. I know that when you are far from the one you lust for it’s nice to think of them ogling a picture of your bits. Just keep this in mind. If they can’t remember what you look like naked, they probably aren’t going to remember your name either. Unless you get it tattooed on your bits.
(On a related note, a recent survey found that ten percent of people under twenty-five feel it’s okay to text during sex. Here’s a tip for them. If you’re thinking clearly enough to find your phone, let alone text, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!) If you were surprised when you read this and made some very rewarding changes in your life, you can thank me later.
4. If the person you are phoning/texting/sending pictures of your naughty bits to is that that important to you, invite them out to dinner/movie/club. That way they too can have the opportunity to be all impressed by your techno-thingy while you ignore them. Of course, there’s a fifty/fifty chance that they will also be playing with their techno-thingy. If they are, that doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same unless the two of you are totally alone. Here’s some basic math for you. One Total Tool + One Total Tool is not equal to Zero Total Tools. When in public, 1TT+1TT=2TT. Two Total Tools are in fact more annoying than One Total Tool. The formula is pretty simple. Annoyance = Number of Total Tools * Number of Non-Tools within earshot * the Relative Importance of the meal/movie/event to the Non-Tools.
So there you have it. A simple guide to Tech Etiquette. You are probably not the most important person in the universe. The people around you don’t really care about your half of your drama. The glow from you phone makes me very angry when I’m watching a movie in a dark theater. If your text is that important that it can’t wait for the end of the movie: Leave. Fill in the same sentence for meal, party, get together, sunset, cuddle time, etc. Yes, that includes sex too!
Remember. If no one is about to die. Keep it in your pants when you talk to me!
Cheers, Winston
SMART Goals… Maybe There’s A Different Tool For Government
Any of you who work in a corporate environment have probably at some point encountered the S.M.A.R.T. guidelines for decision making. The acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound. You can see why I think perhaps the government uses something different.
Some of the most outstanding examples of this are the “Wars” the declare. The “War on Poverty”, “War on Drugs”, and my personal favorite, the “War on Terror”. I believe the decisions to engage in these “Wars” are based on what I like to refer to as the V.A.P.I.D. guidelines. This stands for Vague, Abstract, Pointless, Imaginary, and Damaging. I’ll use the “War on Terror” to illustrate my point.
For starters, declaring a “War” on “Terror” seems a tad ill defined. Not only is it not Specific, it’s actually quite Vague. It’s going to be hard to Measure results because “Terror” isn’t a person, place or thing, it’s an Abstract concept. Victory could be difficult to Achieve in a “War” against a concept and with “Terror” still going strong after ten years, it seems kind of Pointless. It doesn’t seem very Realistic to try to eliminate “Terror” from the world, although that Imaginary place would probably be very nice to live in. With no clear objectives, it makes it hard to create a definitive Ttimeline. That same blurriness of purpose also distracts from actual issues which is incredibly Damaging. If you work it through, you will see it’s also true for the other “Wars” I mentioned.
This inability to set appropriate goals is dangerous and unacceptable. These are the people whom we have charged and entrusted to act on our behalf and in our best interest. Clearly, they have not. Clearly this needs to change. Let’s take a look for a moment at what things might have looked like if they had instead used the S.M.A.R.T. guidelines.
Instead of a “War on Terror”, we might have had a mission statement that looked more like this. “We will track down and bring to trial those responsible for the attacks against the United States on Sept. 11th 2001.” Now let’s break it down. Is it Specific? Yes, it clearly states what we want to do and who we want to do it to. Is it Measurable? Yes, by having a clear goal, we can see how close we are to reaching it. Is it Achievable? Yes, tracking down a relatively small group of people is very doable. Is it Realistic? Yes, much more so than taking on “Terror”. Is it Time-bound? Ye,s when the last trial finishes, the job is complete. See how much better that is?
So, next time you get get dragged to one of those corporate training sessions, bring along your MP/Congress Person/Senator/Representative. Who knows, they might actually learn something. If nothing else, your boss will realize how lucky they are to have you on staff instead of a politician. That could be just what you need to hold onto your job.
Cheers, Winston
Scary Movies, Christians, Politicians, Labels and Shorthand
Here I am once again trying to decide what to write for the day. While I was at work, I had this great idea about the ethics of the situation with Blockbuster, but franklly, I’m just don’t have anything new to say about that. Once the court hands down it’s ruling and we know what’s happening, then I’m certain to have more to say.
I thought about doing something political, but I’m not sure I could do that without being ill today. That much sleaze just might be too much for me. So no poliitical stuff. Besides, I forgot my phone today and my daughter took it with her to Birthday Party 2.0. Without all my different news apps, I might have to actually surf and stuff. That seems like way too much trouble.
Which brings back where I started. What to write? What to write? Hmmmmmm…… What to write?
Too much of that, and people are goinng to start thinking about Jack in the “The Shining”. Speaking of “The Shining”, now I know what I’m going to write about. Apparently there’s something to that “stream of consciousness” stuff. I always thought it sounded too easy to be real. Turns out, it’s not much more than typing while my mind wanders. Basicaly, my natural state, but with typing added. Where was I…?
Ah yes, “The Shining”. Contrary to what you’re probably thinking, this isn’t going to be a review. It’s actually about something from work. Maybe also something about people needing to be told what to think. That last bit might be a bit more ambitious than I am right now. To put that in perspective, there are damp sponges with more ambition (but less bacteria) than I seem to possess at the moment. Darn! Apparently the stream of my consciousness meanders quite a bit. Where was I…..?
Ah yes, “The Shining”. Today at work, a customer asked me to help him find a scary movie. Pretty exciting story so far eh? I asked him to tell me the scariest movie he had seen recently and he didn’t have a clue. So I asked him to tell me what kind of scary movie he likes. Does he like ghosts, slashers, fauxcumentaries, gory, creepy etc. He didn’t have a clue.
I can already hear some of you saying, “What do you expect from someone who watches scary movies?” Save your breath. It’s the same for any other genre you can think of. Even the nice people who insist on only watching “films” and would never deign to watch a mere movie ask me for the best film. They don’t have any more of a clue than the scary movie guy. That’s what happens when you think in terms of groups instead of individuals.
You see, it’s like this. The group Scary Movies includes The Exorcist and Drag Me To Hell. The group Films, includes Winter’s Bone and Rubber. Belonging to a group doesn’t mean that all of the qualities of the members are shared, only the single characteristic that identifies the grouup. To illustrate, The Exorcist is creepy, gory, atomsopheric, well written, brilliantly directed and has a stellar cast including Max Von Sydow. Drag Me To Hell on the other hand is creepy, gory, atmospheric, well written, brilliantly directed and has a stellar cast. Both belong to the Scary Movies group. This is true of many things in various groups.
Mother Theresa and Warren Jeffs both belong to the group Christians. Rick Perry and Mahatma Ghandi belong to the group, Reiligiously Inspired Political Leaders. The list could go on. I think I made my point here though. If you want help finding a scary movie, it helps if you know what scares you. If you’re looking for Mother Theresa, don’t ask for Religiously Inspired Political Leaders. Warren Jeffs may not provide the same experience.
It’s something I do myself. I ask people for their opinions all the time. The secret is, I understand that just because several people told me that Paraormal Activity is the scariest movie ever, doesn’t mean it will be for me. It just helps me guage what to give them when they ask for a Scary Movie. The truth is Scary Movie is just a label. The label isn’t the thing. The label isn’t scary, the movies are scary. That’s my great breakthrough for the day. What I put in the group Scary Movies may not be the same as someone else’s group. Each person’s group is valid for them.
So here’s my point. The contents of the group aren’t the problem. The problem is our label. Instead of Scary Movies, we should use something more like, Winston Lake’s Scary Movie List. Then I could have something to compare to Jane Doe’s Scary Movie List. Comparing those list’s would give me a better idea what to reccomend. Just using Scary Movies is too broad. Saying Christian, or Politician or any other broad generic label isn’t really saying anything at all.
The label isn’t the thing, but the greater the resemblance, the more useful the label. People use labels as a shorthand to describe the world around them. It’s only when we want to share our world that we understand the problem. Each of us uses our own shorthand. Any similarities are purely coincidental.
Why Dog’s Love Car Rides
Last night while driving to my trailer, I realized why dogs like car rides so much. Here’s my theory.
Normally if a dog wants to experience new things, it has to get off the couch and walk around sniffing stuff. The more new things it wants to experience, the further it has to walk. Now I can’t speak for every dog, but mine has times he’d rather just sit on the couch. That’s where the car ride comes in, he gets all the smells without all the work.
A car ride is like the Internet for dogs. He gets to sit in one spot and let the world come to him. Like the Internet, he doesn’t get the full experience of the world around him, but he doesn’t have time to get bored with any of it either. When he’s had all of the world he can handle, he takes a nap without leaving his seat. Just like surfing the net at work.
What really clinched it for me was his reaction when we stopped to eat. Instead of wanting part of our supper, he was restless and fidgeted the whole time. It’s the same thing I do when I get a lousy signal on my iPhone and have to wait forever for a page to load off the Internet.
Now you know why your dog gets so excited about going for car rides. Remember though. If you drive past a dog breeder, the smells are like Internet porn for dogs. You’ve been warned.
Cheers, Winston
p.s. If you have a cat, it probably doesn’t like car rides as much. That’s because cat’s don’t care about the rest of the world. The only part they’re interested in is the part that contains them. Besides, they get their cat porn on the real Internet while you’re out.
W
Lighter Thoughts
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, should it get a panic button in case it happens again?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, are the protesters away at a press conference?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, are the chainsaws too loud?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, does it still feel bad for swearing?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, did it really fall, or is it making it up to get attention?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, will the government appoint a special commission into declining social involvement in our woodland communities?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, should they turn their iPods down?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, can the tree sue the forest ranger for negligence?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, is it a super secret new stealth tree?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, will it’s insurance still pay?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, was the gunfire too loud during hunting season?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, what’s everyone trying to hide?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, can you catch it later on YouTube?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, will someone still blog about it?
If this made you smile, thank my wife. It was her idea that I take a break from my usual stuff and spread my blogging wings. If you hated it, blame the writer.
Either way, I hope you have a great day.
Cheers, Winston
Brain Bits To Go 