Category: Self Awareness

NaPoWriMo Day 14

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, Demon's In My Mind, Health, Mental Health, Mental Health is Health, My Chaotic Mind, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, Sorry for the ChaosLeave a comment

I have suffered all my life from anxiety, stress and anger issues. Over time, I’ve learned to manage them or at least to sort of cope with them. With one thing and another, not so much lately. Today’s post is about those issues and what it’s like living with them from my side.

My Curse in Verse

I would not say I’ve bottomed out,

Just going down quite fast,

Tried so hard staying positive,

That tank’s run dry at last.

No this is not a plea for you,

To help me make it through,

‘Cause honestly there’s bugger all,

That anyone can do.

It’s just how my brain handles things,

Or doesn’t handle life,

It takes the ordinary and,

Creates chaos and strife.

Then my anxiety will spike,

My stress climbs off the chart,

And then the anger, then the guilt,

Then darkness wraps my heart.

Within my head I understand,

All the good things you’d say,

But the blackness in my heart says,

They’re not true anyway.

And there’s the rub, the crux of it,

The fact is it’s all me.

No matter what you say or do,

Sometimes it’s how I’ll be.

I cannot stand this side of me,

And that just makes it worse,

Self-loathing just like gas on flames,

To turbo-charge this curse.

But don’t feel bad that’s not the point,

Of writing out each line,

Just understand ‘til my mask cracks,

I’ll seem completely fine.

Then suddenly out of the blue,

The anger just appears,

All my defenses overwhelmed,

By my unspoken fears.

And then some thing, some tiny straw,

Will break that camel’s back,

My demons locked within set free,

My mind to now attack.

If you see rage and sorrow where,

A smile ought to be,

I promise it would make no sense,

To anyone but me.

Just know it’s me, it’s always me,

Not anything you do,

Wish when my demons torment me,

They didn’t torment you.

Ah, now they’ve wandered off again,

Must be their poker night,

I’ll take the peace and quiet and,

Try to get my head right.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo Day 12

On By WinstonIn diabetes, Health, My Vice of Choice, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Personal Responsibility, Poetry, Reaping What We've Sown, Self Awareness, Sugar Addict, The Bill Always Comes Due, The Choices We MakeLeave a comment

I have been living with diabetes for years now. For the last year of so, I’ve been doing much better at controlling it as I’m well aware of the potential consequences if I don’t. Dealing with other health issues and the stress of being off work, I’ve been eating my emotions lately and for me that means sugar. This poem is about that. Enjoy!

My Vice of Choice

So I have a little sweet tooth,

That runs my life for me,

Sure there’s healthy choices out there,

But sugar’s all I see.

I could resist temptation sure,

That’s so easy to say,

But when the sweets start calling me,

Best don’t get in my way.

I have heard people say some things,

Are really just too sweet,

I’m sad for them, but that’s okay,

It’s more for me to eat.

I used to smoke, and get quite drunk,

Quit for my health I’m glad,

But sugar’s still my drug of choice,

Two out of three ain’t bad.

I am a diabetic so,

My vice may court my death,

I’m like a life-long smoker who,

Lights up though short of breath.

But I’m still here so there’s still hope,

One day I may break free,

And finally beat this jones of mine,

Before my jones beats me.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo Day 9

On By WinstonIn Bullying, Enlightenment, Global Issues, homelessness, Loving Life, my blessed life, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, Society, ValuesLeave a comment

Again today, I allowed my mind to wander off and write this without too much direction from me.  Sometimes it surprises me with what it comes up with.  Enjoy!

Something To Think About

As I sit down to write this verse,

My mind goes wand`ring free,

Then it returns, comes back at last,

It seems to say to me…

Closely attend and listen well,

To wisdom I did glean,

For we are blessed more than we know,

You`ll see just what I mean.

You sit here and you write these lines,

No real cares it`s true,

You are well fed, and housed and clothed,

No one is threatening you.

Sure you`ve some problems, don`t we all,

But none existential,

You may not have all that you want,

But more than essential.

I don`t say this to put you down,

Or make you feel small,

I`d only hope you`d understand,

To some, you have it all.

A spouse, a kid, a house, a dog,

And so much more than that,

You`ve never faced a winter yet,

Without a decent hat.

You`ve always had enough to eat,

Though maybe not ideal,

I know except sometimes by choice,

You`ve never missed a meal.

Sure you`ve been bullied, beaten up,

Bad actors seen your share,

You`ve never held a friend who`s shot,

Begged God in des`prate prayer.

We live in an oasis here,

So sheltered we`ve gone blind,

To so much in the world around,

It overwhelms the mind.

As my mind talked, I promised I`d,

Take some time every day,

To focus on how blessed I am,

In every single way.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo Day 7

On By WinstonIn Courage, Patience and Hope, Enlightenment, My Art, NaPoWriMo, Perseverence, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, The Choices We MakeLeave a comment

As an artist and generally creative person, I’m constantly trying to learn new techniques or otherwise improve my skills. This can be a lot of work. It can be immensely frustrating too. I can’t tell you how many partially completed drawings, paintings etc I have walked away from. But then I start trying to figure out what went wrong so I can find a new way to fail next time. As the saying goes, we learn more from failure than success. By that metric, I should be truly gifted by now. That is the theme for today’s poem. Enjoy!

Perseverence

Sometimes we try to do a thing,

We’ve never done before,

And though we try our best to learn,

There’s always something more.

We try and try and try and fail,

Think this will never be,

So many times, we just give up,

Our dreams we never see.

But there’s no law says we must quit,

Because the road is long,

For if there were, no one would paint,

You’d have no favourite song.

For everyone who’s tried to go,

Somewhere they have no map,

Has found themselves in that same place,

Has stepped in that same trap.

It’s up to us what we will do,

Give up or carry on,

The only time we truly lose,

Is when our fight is gone.

And so rise up and persevere,

I’m sure that you’ll succeed,

For courage, patience and some hope,

Are all the things you need.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo Day 3

On By WinstonIn Enlightenment, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Reaping What We've Sown, Self Awareness, The Bill Always Comes Due, The Choices We MakeLeave a comment

Recently, I have been experiencing some health challenges which have had a major impact on my life. So, the best way to process it seemed to write it out. Tomorrow, I should be back to my more usual fare. In the meantime…  Enjoy.

I Am The Author Of My Fate

We all make plans from where we are,

To where we want to be.

But life it seems has it’s own schemes,

That we but seldom see.

For years I lived just as I pleased,

Immortal in my youth,

I smoked and drank and ate my fill,

Ignored my health in truth.

Then after twenty years or more,

There was some troubling stuff,

My breath was short, stairs more a chore,

I said that was enough.

I haven’t smoked in many years,

Nor drunk in quite a while.

I’m eating less, more exercise,

You’d think it cause to smile.

Yet still despite these changes I,

Had tightness in my chest,

Which soon enough became such pain,

I knew this was no jest.

I did the work and took the tests,

Confirmed is heart disease.

The doctor said I am quite young,

I said just fix it please.

The stents went in, the pain was gone,

My life was once more mine.

But then the strangest feeling came,

No longer was I fine.

Not pain but pressure in my chest,

No energy at all,

A racing heart for hours then,

Was like I’d hit a wall.

And then more tests to understand,

My new situation,

My heart’s defective wiring caused,

Atrial fibrillation.

So back into the shop I go,

To get the wiring fixed,

And from the start they are up front,

Long term results are mixed.

For three years all was good as gold,

My heart worked like it should,

But now it has come back again,

As they had warned it could.

Twice I have gone to get it shocked,

Restore a normal pace,

My doctor said that is not good,

These pills should slow that race.

And so they do most of the time,

Still some blips here and there,

But they will keep the worst in check,

‘Til they once more repair.

The issue is the side effects,

Of this new med I take,

For tremors, nausea, vomiting,

Are things this drug can make.

For two months now, I haven’t worked,

Just once have left my home,

I hate to throw up publicly,

Which limits where I roam.

Soon now I’ll see the doctor who,

Will sort this out again,

And finally leave these drugs behind,

I’ll get my life back then.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo 2023 Day 2

On By WinstonIn My Art, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self AwarenessLeave a comment

People often ask me why I put so much effort into this challenge each year. It is as simple and as complex as this. I want to create something which may outlast my time in this world. None of these are great and immortal verse, yet if there is something in one of them which is recalled after the initial reading, or a drawing which crosses the viewer’s mind down the road, then I have taken a step on the road to a more lasting legacy. Today’s poem speaks to that quest for immortality through one’s body of work. Enjoy!

Why Do I Try?

I am an artist this I know,

With scars upon my soul.

Of every work that I create,

For each must take it’s toll.

Whether fine verse, image or prose,

I seek with every page,

A record of some part of me,

To last beyond my age.

I highly doubt that I shall find,

Posterity I’d claim,

For though some few enjoy my craft,

I’m far from any fame.

I can’t resist the visions, they,

Come crashing through my mind,

So once more I set pen to page,

Perhaps this time to find.

Some secret I have missed ‘til now,

With which to make my mark,

Lest I remain forever lost,

In long forgotten dark.

Cheers,

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 30

On By WinstonIn Enlightenment, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, The Power of WordsLeave a comment

Part of my job is peer mentoring and a big part of that is helping to resolve interpersonal issues amongst my co-workers. I often use some of the principles of mindfulness to provide tools to aid this process. One of the main ones, is to not live in past issues or project future ones, but to deal with the moment we are in.

This is the focus of the penultimate verse for this year. Enjoy!

Don’t Fear What’s Not There

The past is gone do not live there,

The future not yet here.

Remove what was and what may be.

And so reduce your fear.

What we most fear is in our heads,

Not in front of us now.

Our future guess based on our past,

Is what we dread somehow.

We cannot hear a calming voice,

So sure it’s just a ploy.

Imagination robs us of,

Our very real joys.

Yet still our brains won’t let us be,

See dangers everywhere.

The “What ifs” start they never stop,

Are more than we can bear.

But if we stop and realize,

What we fear may not be.

From our eyes we can lift the haze,

The truth more clearly see.

The past is gone, why let it run,

The future you create.

By making choices for you now,

Stop ere it is too late.

The future is not carved in stone.

Why fear what is not there?

This does not mean you should not plan,

That you should not take care.

But do not base that plan on fear,

But common sense instead.

By starting in the here and now,

You see farther ahead.

So be here now and find your peace,

Within the now we share.

And from this moment you can find,

Such joy if you just dare.

The future is not carved in stone,

The past no longer here.

And we can find our peace right now,

Choose to live without fear.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 15

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hump Day! Today is the midpoint of the month!

Today, I was at my trailer for the first time this year. I was with Lynn and Ducky and everything was going well. Out of the blue, I had a terrible anxiety attack. I don’t want to let it run my life again, so I’m trying to work through them now. This is part of that process.

What Doesn’t Matter, Shouldn’t Matter

On this day down through all the years,

Ten billion things were done.

And we’re impressed when history,

Remembers even one.

The lesson here is plain to see,

Don’t take it all to heart.

However large each problem seems,

It’s just one tiny part.

The odds are you won’t even care,

A few years down the line.

If you remember them at all,

By then all will be fine.

So think of this next time you stress,

For things you can’t control.

You only make your problems worse,

And dig a deeper hole.

You know that thing a person said,

That made you feel small.

Odds are the next day they forgot,

They spoke to you at all.

Why give them all this power then,

To so mess up your life.

Like telling someone mugging you,

How best to hold their knife.

By holding on to hurtful things,

Miss out on all the rest.

So focused on the negative,

We cannot see the best.

A moment that should be enjoyed,

Is lost within the noise.

Of darkness and anxiety,

They rob us of our joys.

If each of us just work on this,

Perhaps we’ll find a way.

Keep past and future in their place,

And be here now today.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 9

On By WinstonIn Bullying Yourself, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Poetry, Self Awareness, The Power of WordsLeave a comment

I suffer from self esteem issues and wildly irrational bursts of anger when something I’m working on frustrates me. I am aware of these things and others, and I’m working on them. They gave me the idea for today’s offering.

My Demons

The demons in my head get loose,

Such havoc then they wreak.

In moments when I struggle most,

They strike when I am weak.

They know each vulnerability,

Where they can cause most pain.

Time after time they come for me,

Drag me back down again.

Back where I wallow in the muck,

Trapped in my inner dark.

While voices chorus every fault,

Each word leaves its own mark.

I swear some day I’ll free myself,

From all that’s in my head.

Yet deep inside the demons vow,

They’ll stay until I’m dead.

And even then there’s no respite,

In death they still will hound.

They’ll jape and mock upon my grave,

While I am in the ground.

I know that what they say’s not true,

At least not all of it.

For all folks know that demons lie,

But some tell truth a bit.

How do I tell what is the truth,

And what but foetid lie?

As all my darkest thoughts parade,

Before my inner eye.

I must be strong and learn to pay,

My demons no more mind.

As I move forward with my life,

I must leave them behind.

This is not easy as it sounds,

For they all live in me.

The key is not to let them loose,

Or hell to pay there’ll be.

And even as I write these words,

They say I waste my time.

There is no deeper message here,

Just cheap and easy rhyme.

Yet still I write, still try to trap,

My demons on the page.

If I succeed, perhaps I’ll save,

Myself from demon’s rage.

So now I draw a slow, deep breath,

Release it just as slow.

Repeat, repeat, repeat until,

Some inner peace I know.

And other times, my music is,

The way to drown them out.

For certain magic melodies,

Can grant me peace no doubt.

So here I am, and just for now,

My demons are at rest.

But soon enough I’ll go to bed,

Their new nightmares to test.

Cheers, Winston

NaPoWriMo 2022 Day 2

On By WinstonIn Enlightenment, Loving Life, NaPoWriMo, Personal, Personal Responsibility, Poetry, Self Awareness2 Comments

I am no longer quite as young as I was previously. I’ve come to terms with this and tend to remind myself that getting older still beats the only proven alternative. Get old or die.

Years ago I worked for a wonderful woman named Heather who taught me one of the most important things I’ve ever learned. She told me “Good is the enemy of great.”. This means that as soon as we accept good we stop pushing for great. Now, whether it is in my poetry, my art, my work or whatever else I’m doing, I always try to push myself just that little bit further.

Good Isn’t Good Enough

Sometimes in life we don’t invest,

In everything we do.

Do just enough, that’s good enough,

And then it’s done, we’re through.

We’ve done the thing a million times,

It’s nothing but routine.

Sure we didn’t scrub the tub,

But wiped it down. It’s clean.

We see it doesn’t shine the same,

Way that it did before.

And in our hearts we know the truth,

We could have given more.

What we don’t see, not right away,

Our soul erodes a bit.

We are born great, each lesser choice,

Chips off a piece of it.

Then one day where once greatness was,

Just good enough is seen.

Surrounded by the rubble of,

How great we could have been.

So spend the time and effort to,

Change good to something great.

That extra that you give comes back,

To your soul soon or late.

Good is not really good enough,

When great is waiting there.

Just push and strive a little more,

See good cannot compare.

Then you will see within yourself,

A pride not there before.

For turning good enough to great,

Giving a little more.

Cheers, Winston