Once again the fine people at Maclean”s have answered the perennial question, “What shall I write about today?” Thank you very much nice people. As you can see from the title, this post is all about tech and how we use it. Specifically, it’s about portable technology and how we use it to abuse those around us. Because so many people seem not to have figured this out, it seemed worth sharing this quick set of guidelines.

Here at the LakeArt Institute For The Advancement Of Simple Simplicity (Proud Developers Of The V.A.P.I.D. Goal Setting System) we have a mission. Our motto is “Making Simple Things Simpler For The Simply Simple-Minded”. Our products are geared to those for whom the Herculean task of understanding even the simplest thing is just too much effort. If you or someone you know falls into this group, DON’T PANIC! We’re here to help.

** If you are on call twenty-four/seven in some sort of emergency or life-saving capacity, you are automatically exempt from the following guidelines. For the rest of you, stop texting for a minute and pay attention.**

1. If you are in the presence of actual human beings with whom you are interacting, they take precedence. Before any of you scream “Heresy!”, let me clarify. I know you paid a lot for your techno-thing and you want to get your money’s worth. I get that. You just need to keep in mind that everyone else paid just as much for theirs so they don’t care at all about yours. When in the presence of actual people, turn it off/down. If you absolutely must use it in public, excuse yourself, move away and then phone/text/send pictures of your naughty bits. When you have finished, put it away and rejoin the real world.

2. Treat your techno-thingy like your private thingy. Dont’t whip it out and wave it around in public. While you may think your techno-thingy/thingy is the most impressive one in existence, others probably will not share this view. Even those who are awestruck by the size of your display will likely pretend otherwise (although they may discreetly ask for your number later). Use of your techno-thingy during dinner/movies/social gatherings should be treated like urination. It should only be done when absolutely necessary. It should be done as far away from others as possible. And remember that no one wants to hear about it when you return.

3. Just because you can share doesn’t mean you should. You know what I’m talking about. Those late-night, drunken posts about how desperately you need to get laid. Or anyone who has ever posted a Lolcat. Or anything else that you are the only person on God’s Earth who might give a crap about. Oh, and that also includes anyone who sends pics of their naughty bits. I know that when you are far from the one you lust for it’s nice to think of them ogling a picture of your bits. Just keep this in mind. If they can’t remember what you look like naked, they probably aren’t going to remember your name either. Unless you get it tattooed on your bits.

(On a related note, a recent survey found that ten percent of people under twenty-five feel it’s okay to text during sex. Here’s a tip for them. If you’re thinking clearly enough to find your phone, let alone text, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!) If you were surprised when you read this and made some very rewarding changes in your life, you can thank me later.

4. If the person you are phoning/texting/sending pictures of your naughty bits to is that that important to you, invite them out to dinner/movie/club. That way they too can have the opportunity to be all impressed by your techno-thingy while you ignore them. Of course, there’s a fifty/fifty chance that they will also be playing with their techno-thingy. If they are, that doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same unless the two of you are totally alone. Here’s some basic math for you. One Total Tool + One Total Tool is not equal to Zero Total Tools. When in public, 1TT+1TT=2TT. Two Total Tools are in fact more annoying than One Total Tool. The formula is pretty simple. Annoyance = Number of Total Tools * Number of Non-Tools within earshot * the Relative Importance of the meal/movie/event to the Non-Tools.

So there you have it. A simple guide to Tech Etiquette. You are probably not the most important person in the universe. The people around you don’t really care about your half of your drama. The glow from you phone makes me very angry when I’m watching a movie in a dark theater. If your text is that important that it can’t wait for the end of the movie: Leave. Fill in the same sentence for meal, party, get together, sunset, cuddle time, etc. Yes, that includes sex too!

Remember. If no one is about to die. Keep it in your pants when you talk to me!

Cheers, Winston