Earlier today I was reading an article about Ann Romney’s speech at the Republican National Convention. This was the latest of the ongoing efforts to “humanize”, her husband, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. This raises a couple important questions for me.

The first question that springs to mind is, “Why should I believe anything she said?” Mrs Romney admitted that she was speaking from a prepared text. So she wasn’t giving any deeply personal insights into an incredibly sensitive and deeply misunderstood Mitt. She was just the most convincing voice-over they could find for their product endorsement. It’s not about authenticity or sincerity, it’s just another cynical marketing ploy. It’s like using Justin Bieber to sell acne treatments or having Brooke Shields front for La-Z-Boy. Teens who are losing their minds about acne (or Justin Bieber [or just losing their minds]), are more likely to identify with the Biebs, while Ms Shields and her Calvin Klein jeans are going to resonate better with an older demographic more interested in home decor than zit zapping.

The larger question here is, “Why does Mitt need to be ‘humanized’ in the first place?” If he’s not human, just what is he? Is he a gerbil or a wildebeest? Perhaps he’s a llama and his handlers go about in constant fear of catching a face full of llama loogie. Not to worry, I’ve got a theory. He’s a gerbil. He’s a gerbil piloting a (mostly) human-looking robot. Think anime but without the giant guns or swarms of scantily clad young girls. Then again he is running for the Republican party so there may be a giant gun in there somewhere but Ann isn’t commenting on that. (Come on, could you have resisted that one?)

Here’s the setup. Decades ago, a race of space faring gerbils arrived on the planet. Realizing we are hundreds of times their size they developed a plan to infiltrate us and destroy us from the inside. They want to take over the government (Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin were trial runs at getting someone on the inside.). Romney’s track record at Bain Capital is a preview of the Gerbil plan to destroy the morale of the United States by undermining its economy, creating mass unemployment (shipping jobs overseas), and working hard to widen the gap between the ultra-rich and the peasants they rule.

Because Hollywood assures us the U.S. is the only country able to withstand an alien invasion, once Mittbot has completely ruined and destabilized them, the invasion will begin in earnest. Swarms of Gerbil piloted Republican robots will pour out of their secret underground bases at the poles. To supplement these R-Bots, the Gerbils have developed a technology that allows them to burrow into dead people’s heads and pilot them like bots. Together the R-Bots (patent pending), and their zombie cohorts will complete their conquest of the free world.

While average Americans spend their lives in the grinding poverty of union-free, sweatshop labour camps, China and India will continue to reap the benefits of having been the first to welcome the Gerbil invaders.

It hasn’t happened yet but it could. If Mitt Romney wins, watch for the signs……. like the corridors of power being lined not with rich, soft carpets, but with wood shavings. Then you’ll see that I’m not crazy. Then you’ll see! Then it’ll be too late!

Welcome to the Mittbot-Gerbil-Zombie Apocalypse!

Muaaahahahaaa!